nadine

my life's all messed up. i got myself into it and now i have to get out of it. it has been going on for 1 year and 7 months. it's time it stopped. it's my fault for going into a relationship with him. and i know that clearly i shouldn't have. i thought that he was everything i ever wanted. i thought wrong. it hurts to be wrong sometimes. especially this. i want to be happy again like i used to. the way he treated me before we stead and after, it was like a taste of heaven. sweet and memoriable.
after 6 months, everything changed. it's not like it used to be like. and it sucks. i do balme myself partly for what i did to him for the forst 6 months. but it's too late now. too late to turn back. maybe it's natural of him to do the same thing i did to him. but his going overboard. his docking my calls, avoiding me. when we quarrel, he just watch me walk away. never did he come after me. it hurts to walk away from him and not to have him follow me. i feel like i love him more then he loves me. i AM trying to let go. but it's not as easy as it seems. letting go is the hardest thing i could NEVER accomplish. i just want him to know how much i love him. the miles i'd go just to be with him, even if it's for a short while. i just wish that everytime i'm hurt so bad, that i cry my eyes out, that he'll be there, but invinsible. so that he'll understand how hurt i am. the way he treats me. i believe that i've done everything i could to make our relationship work. and there's nothing more i can do about it. the both of us blame each other for whatever goes wrong in our relationship. but the truth is, we're boht at fault. and whether i like it or not, i have to endure all the bullshit and hurt i'm gonna receive from him. because i know, that even if i keep trying to change him and make our relationship work, and the other party doesn't do anything to help, it's just no use. a waste of time. why i don' t want to end the relationship ? BECAUSE I STILL LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO LET GO. too much to turn my back from him forever. i know what will happen to me if i continue this relationship, this life i'm living. but it's all a sacrifice. i am scared. so scared that at times i just cry in the middle of the day because i can't do anything. his not even doing anything to try to make our relationship work. i just don't understand why he has to do this to me. i hate to have to call him and hear his voicemail. it's so frustrating. and he always ALWAYS give excuses. i want to be happy, i really do. i give up trying to make our relationship work. it's too late to turn my now. i'll just accept whatever happens to me. i deserve it. i got myself into it, i face the music.
one day when i can't take it anymore, i'll end my life. that's just the way things are.