nadine

i feel so down, so depressed. i find it so hard to get out of this situation. it's so hurting, so demoralising. it's affecting everything or anything i do. that "it" will be referring to me and irwan, our relationship. sighs* i don't want to end it. i really don't. honestly, i love him so much. somehow, too much. but it doesn't matter whether i love him too much or whatever. what really matters is that we both love each other deeply and it has to come from the heart. neither does it matter how long we both last. i don't care about that. as long as we're both in it together, that's all that matters to me. and i wouldn't want to treat every quarrel or setback as a diaster. like com'on lahs, in every relationship there will always be problems. what kind of relationship will be so perfect. nobody's perfect besides God.
i just wish he knew how much i love him, deep down inside of me. everything i do, i do it for him. i always think of him first before making any decisions. i'm not lying about that. i just want him to treat me better. to love and cherish me like before. oh i long for those long lost days we had with each other. still, i chose this path. and i have to face it. and honestly, i never regretted at all. i know that i DO love him so dearly and deeply to ever let anything come in our way. i just wish so badly, that he'll understand what's going on with me. i just don't like the fact that he spents so much time with his friends, and lesser time with me. he doesn't even realise that. that's what hurts. he hangs out so much and often with them till he doesn't even notcie that i'm being pushed to the back. that's why, now i'm hanging out more with my friends, being closer to them. but they say i always talk about irwan? okay maybe i DO talk alot that i don't even know i'm talking about him. i mean, that's just what's ALWAYS on my mind. what can i do ? it's not like i can stop it. it's my mouth that talks non-stop, it just can't shut. BOOS* why oh why must my life be so messed up ? .. the things i long for has become so distant. the things i used to do has withered. because all of those things, i gave em up. just specially so that i could be with him and spet more time with him. even though it may be a short while, at least i'm still spending time with him.
and everytime he has to leave early, you know what really's going on in the deep depths of me ?
i seriosuly bite my tongue in saying anything to upset him. and i hold back my actions. but he does it so often that i get so frustrated. and when i play cool when he says he has to leave, his like so freaking happy that i'm okay with it. it's like, don't you even think why i'm being cool about it. it means there's definately something wrong. i just feel so, arggghs ! i have been feeling so darn depressed since last year already. now it's getting worse. somethings i just can't control. it's so darn freaking hurting that my heart feels so soar. deadSOAR ! i hate to cry infront of people. that day end of training, i couldn't hold back my tears and i just let it all out . and we were doing stretching somore. i left immediately afterthat. they asked me what happen i just said it's nothing. i don't want to be a cry baby. but i couldn't hold it back. and also, everytime he says he'll do something, he doesn't. it's like so irritaiting lahs. somore his darn phone is always off. like wtf.
i just feel really depressed. and all i want is for him is not just be my boyfriend, but be more then that. :( hate my life. it sucks. cries*