somehow even though things fall apart, they end up becoming okay. but in my case, that's not how things are. things will be broken FOREVER. i can't change anything even if i wanted to. if that's the way things are gonna be, then fine. but letting go is what i can't do. breaking ups are one of the few hardest things. i just want to be happy. i don't think i will be even if we were seperated. the fact is that he doesn't love me anymore. and all along, I WAS THE FOOL ! how could i not see through his eyes ??! he has been lying to me saying that he loves me. but the fact is that he doesn't. i blame MYSELF for everything that happened. but i made a vow, that i am willing to bear the consequences that is yet to come if i still continue with him. can i let go ? no i can't. people keep hinting to me that he doesn't love me at all.but i lied to myself thinking that he did. all i said to them was ' yes, he said he loves me' i'm the one that loses out. it's like everyone knows that he doesn't love me anymore. why can't i just let go of something that has no future ? i'm suicidle he says. i am suicidle ever sice i was with him. that IS the truth. i never thought that i'd end up like this. what can i do ?.. i don't need any help. i just want to be alone !! away from all the lies. my dreams were just an illusion. :[ cries *

i feel so down, so depressed. i find it so hard to get out of this situation. it's so hurting, so demoralising. it's affecting everything or anything i do. that "it" will be referring to me and irwan, our relationship. sighs* i don't want to end it. i really don't. honestly, i love him so much. somehow, too much. but it doesn't matter whether i love him too much or whatever. what really matters is that we both love each other deeply and it has to come from the heart. neither does it matter how long we both last. i don't care about that. as long as we're both in it together, that's all that matters to me. and i wouldn't want to treat every quarrel or setback as a diaster. like com'on lahs, in every relationship there will always be problems. what kind of relationship will be so perfect. nobody's perfect besides God.
i just wish he knew how much i love him, deep down inside of me. everything i do, i do it for him. i always think of him first before making any decisions. i'm not lying about that. i just want him to treat me better. to love and cherish me like before. oh i long for those long lost days we had with each other. still, i chose this path. and i have to face it. and honestly, i never regretted at all. i know that i DO love him so dearly and deeply to ever let anything come in our way. i just wish so badly, that he'll understand what's going on with me. i just don't like the fact that he spents so much time with his friends, and lesser time with me. he doesn't even realise that. that's what hurts. he hangs out so much and often with them till he doesn't even notcie that i'm being pushed to the back. that's why, now i'm hanging out more with my friends, being closer to them. but they say i always talk about irwan? okay maybe i DO talk alot that i don't even know i'm talking about him. i mean, that's just what's ALWAYS on my mind. what can i do ? it's not like i can stop it. it's my mouth that talks non-stop, it just can't shut. BOOS* why oh why must my life be so messed up ? .. the things i long for has become so distant. the things i used to do has withered. because all of those things, i gave em up. just specially so that i could be with him and spet more time with him. even though it may be a short while, at least i'm still spending time with him.
and everytime he has to leave early, you know what really's going on in the deep depths of me ?
i seriosuly bite my tongue in saying anything to upset him. and i hold back my actions. but he does it so often that i get so frustrated. and when i play cool when he says he has to leave, his like so freaking happy that i'm okay with it. it's like, don't you even think why i'm being cool about it. it means there's definately something wrong. i just feel so, arggghs ! i have been feeling so darn depressed since last year already. now it's getting worse. somethings i just can't control. it's so darn freaking hurting that my heart feels so soar. deadSOAR ! i hate to cry infront of people. that day end of training, i couldn't hold back my tears and i just let it all out . and we were doing stretching somore. i left immediately afterthat. they asked me what happen i just said it's nothing. i don't want to be a cry baby. but i couldn't hold it back. and also, everytime he says he'll do something, he doesn't. it's like so irritaiting lahs. somore his darn phone is always off. like wtf.
i just feel really depressed. and all i want is for him is not just be my boyfriend, but be more then that. :( hate my life. it sucks. cries*

sighs* i know i'm not stable. i just can't stand the fact that he always treats me like this. i always tell myself that i wanna change. changing in the ways of not being so close to him, be more independant, let go of him, and not always be so darn paranoid. but it's not easy. and i just can't help it. somehow i know that things aren't gonna be okay. and i so badly want it to. but things don't just happen the way i want it to. i'm no princess. plus, it's time i change. even though it's gonna hurt or if i don't like it. i can't do anything. :( BOOS* just feel so freaking depressed lahs. all i want, are my friends to perk me up when i'm down. but i don't want them to know whenever i'm down. and most importantly, for my boyfriend to be always here for me on my constant call. to love me whole heartedly. i don't wanna lose him again. seriously, i don't. i love him so so much. and i don't know if he realises that. everything i do, ALWAYS has a link to him. it's just not obvious. i just love him alot lahs. just hate the fact that i've got so many bad habits. being paranoid SUCKS ! sighs* cries/

today's the school's chinese new year celebration ! it ended later as usual. right afterthat i had to rush down for training. i was so darn tired lahs. the sun was blazing hot !! spent a little time with irwan then he had to go. cause i'm not gonna be able to see him for the next 4 days. plus it's effing frustrating to contact him. which i rather not do so. anyways, tomorrow i have to go to my grandma's place for renuion dinner. then followed by sunday and monday. hen tuesday going visiting with friends. then the rest of the days are MUGGING days. hahas. BOOS* common test is coming up what. sighs* somore the softball nationals are coming soon. worse thing is that it actually clashes with common test. going to be a really tough week. gotta hang in there though! (: SMILES* wells, it's like WAY past 12.45am. irwan told me to call him at 12am, i did. and he said his prepaid low and to call him at 12.45am. so i did, and he did not pick up any of my calls until now. hich is 1.33am. it's honestly so dpressing lahs. like, somehow he just LOVES to ruin my day. hate it so much whenever he does that. nvm. i told myself, i cannot always rely on him so much. i MUST change. so no use getting pissed with him. it's just him. if he won't change, maybe one day i'll leave. don't know lahs. hate it when he says tings and then don't do it. just feel so urgghhs !! juts don't think about him for the next few days and all. i know it'll help. don't think i'll be calling him. i don't want to. don't want to get myself hurt. still, i love him alot and i'll never let him go.
other then that, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR !! :) SMILES___*

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ! hahas. anyways, the whole school was kind of valentine day craze ! girls were carrying gifts, flowers etc. the flowers are gorgeous ! hees. irwan says he doesn't want to lose his virgin to giving flowers. he says he'll give me when he marrys me. *BLUSHES i received gifts like chocolates, fake flower, winnie the pooh flower, candles, cards, CANDY FLOSS, and ...
RING . DIAMOND RING ! ahhhhs* irwan gave the belgium chocolate to me and the diamond perlini silver ring too ! so damn sweet lahs. i was over the moon ! his sweet lahs. thats why i love him so much. my prettyBOY * hees. anyways, i gave the people whom i'm close to muffins that i baked for them. i slept at like 3am +. tired, but it's worth it. i love my friends. it's all about the LOVE today !
i LOVE you *

we sort things out between ourselves. things are sort of getting better. but his gonna leave school in 1 month. cause he wanna take private Os. anyways, while waiting for him today, watched the soccer match with friends. they are crazy over soccer. don't know why. but our school lost.
yesterday my mum called my tuition teacher to inform me that doudou was missing. i was like ' WHAT ?' i was so scared at that time lahs. waited for irwan to come like for so long then took a cab home. wasted 10 bucks. she was already found by then. lols. should have called home first. but nvm. i was worried lahs. daddy found her at the security guard there.
VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING !! whhhhhheeeeeeees...... hahas. maybe it's not such a BIG thing to others. it's not really a big thing to me too. but i just can't wait to give my friends what i made for them . (: hees* so excited lahs.

sighs* i hate the fact that i always have to go back to him when HE did something wrong. his the one at wrong and always i'm the one that has to go back to him. it's so frustrating lah. i honestly don't feel like being with him anymore. he has such an immature thinking. just because his not happy with what he saw then he ignore me the whole damn fcuking day. so damn immature lahs. can't he just be more mature and talk things out. and yah, so what if i hate her. his so fcuking protective lahs. since you like her so much then go stead with her lahs. not like i give a damn. at least spare me from the hurt that you give to me willingly. i hate people who always say things and don't mean it. it's irrespomsible and it's hurting. supposed to go out with that dumbass today to celebrate valentine's day. stupid ass switched off his phone on purpose. his asking for it. he'll regrett it one day. he will. cause i'm going to do it back to him. hate him so much. feelings for him has really begin to fade away. can't be bothered by what he does.he'll be embarrassing himself. not me. wish i never met him. such a disaster to my life. his ruining my damn life. and unfortunately it's too damn fucking late to turn back now cause im too attached to him. i'm not capable of letting go just as much as i want to so badly. louis told me what my dad said about me and him. it's nothing much. but still, i think whatever my dad told louis and daphne used to be true. but not now. and i hate him SO so much. he doesn't even know how to treasure the things he loves, or rather he CLAIMS. so fucked up. regrett being with him. my life sucks. i just don't trust him anymore. neither do i want to know what the hell's going on with him. i can't even be bothered to see his profile or anything thats got to do with him anymore.
fucking guy ! why don't i go flirt with some guys. let them call me and give them my number. and when they ask me out, i'll go out with them 1 on 1. i'll do excatly what he did to me. lets see if he likes it. so dumb. he don't like me to be so close to guys and his so close to that slut. so freaking dumb to the core. i'm not even one bit upset that i don't have to celebrate valentine's day with him. doesn't matter. don't give a shit. he always ruin every special occasion. fucked up relationship. he ruin my life.

went to school today without wanting to know whether he was gonna come or not. he didn't. not sure if his going to turn up tmr. whatever. enough about him. wholeday i've been trying to avoid the topic of HIM. anyways, i kept my whole day busy for the past few days. and realise that i CAN leave without him. i mean, of course it'll take me a couple of days to get used to it. give me around 2 days. went to the library with the nepalese. their're like dead funny lahs. love them alot. heard that daphne did quite well in catching furing the crescent match where i was absent. gonna FIGHT for my own postition. i love that position and i;m the type of person that will NOT let anyone take it away from me. i love my friends. they are the ones who keep me laughing and alive !
now school problems. i hate jane and valencia. why ? lets see. their're so fcuking close to irwan. and jane somore close to that rachel. hate them to the core lahs ! jane practically tells rach everything. it's like.. what the fcuk is wrong with you bitch ? it's not your damn business lahs. somor so stuck up to irwan. the testimonial she wrote to binquan. what.. thanks for keeping me accompany when IRWAN not around. it's like.. why the hell must you caption his damn fcuking name ? in the first place are you even related to him ? are you HIS girlfriend. if not, then get lost. always ask him buy this buy that. then pack his table. and that fcking irwan. pissed off with him too. found out that he lied to me and still he denied it. i don't think i'm gonna approach him. when i can't take it anymore then i will. and it'll be NASTY. trust me it will. fcuking sluts and dumbass fcuking stupid boyfriend. sucha disgrace !

he was online yesterday. i didn't know. he asked me to call him. so i did. sighs* we did talk. i didn't want him to know that i was crying. but somehow i just couldn't take it anymore. he keep saying that he'll change. but he doesn't. he knows what i did to myself, and yet he doesn't even say anything nor does he ask. it's like, do you even care about me ? and i hate some people. it's like, if you're not included into our relationship, then keep your damn nose out of it. it's irritating to have to put up a front. it's not me, and i hate it. it sucks. i now know that he isn't the one that cares or loves me. it's my friends that do, not him. his just my boyfriend. just like that. it's boring. plus it hurts and grieves to be with him. sucks like hell.

my life's all messed up. i got myself into it and now i have to get out of it. it has been going on for 1 year and 7 months. it's time it stopped. it's my fault for going into a relationship with him. and i know that clearly i shouldn't have. i thought that he was everything i ever wanted. i thought wrong. it hurts to be wrong sometimes. especially this. i want to be happy again like i used to. the way he treated me before we stead and after, it was like a taste of heaven. sweet and memoriable.
after 6 months, everything changed. it's not like it used to be like. and it sucks. i do balme myself partly for what i did to him for the forst 6 months. but it's too late now. too late to turn back. maybe it's natural of him to do the same thing i did to him. but his going overboard. his docking my calls, avoiding me. when we quarrel, he just watch me walk away. never did he come after me. it hurts to walk away from him and not to have him follow me. i feel like i love him more then he loves me. i AM trying to let go. but it's not as easy as it seems. letting go is the hardest thing i could NEVER accomplish. i just want him to know how much i love him. the miles i'd go just to be with him, even if it's for a short while. i just wish that everytime i'm hurt so bad, that i cry my eyes out, that he'll be there, but invinsible. so that he'll understand how hurt i am. the way he treats me. i believe that i've done everything i could to make our relationship work. and there's nothing more i can do about it. the both of us blame each other for whatever goes wrong in our relationship. but the truth is, we're boht at fault. and whether i like it or not, i have to endure all the bullshit and hurt i'm gonna receive from him. because i know, that even if i keep trying to change him and make our relationship work, and the other party doesn't do anything to help, it's just no use. a waste of time. why i don' t want to end the relationship ? BECAUSE I STILL LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO LET GO. too much to turn my back from him forever. i know what will happen to me if i continue this relationship, this life i'm living. but it's all a sacrifice. i am scared. so scared that at times i just cry in the middle of the day because i can't do anything. his not even doing anything to try to make our relationship work. i just don't understand why he has to do this to me. i hate to have to call him and hear his voicemail. it's so frustrating. and he always ALWAYS give excuses. i want to be happy, i really do. i give up trying to make our relationship work. it's too late to turn my now. i'll just accept whatever happens to me. i deserve it. i got myself into it, i face the music.
one day when i can't take it anymore, i'll end my life. that's just the way things are.