i feel so upset. so hurt. i don't know what to do. i've got some family problems. my dad talked to me yesterday. a really long talk. and i held back my tears. he told me some stuff that nearly made me cry. i'm just holding on to something that i don't want to let go of. i love irwan SO SO much. yet i feel like he doesn't know that. what does that girl have that i don't? .. ))): i know we'll both be better when we're back tgth. i'm just waiting for him. this picture below hurts SO much. why is he doing this to me? .. )): he ask me to wait. and so i will. i won't give up no matter what. if i knew that girl, i'd take acid and pour on her face. the fact that irwan is hugging her really tears all my insides completely. )))))):

i can't move on. i'm stuck. )):

school's a bore, friend's are crazy.

anyways, i', waiting patiently for my line. even though the line sucks big BIG time, heck! i'm glad that at least i have a line. the line is free or something. my mum got a hp and line for free. the line's crazy la. each sms is 20cents. that's like .. WOAH ! each call for 1 min is 15 cents. like.. wth?? i told my mum to get me another line cause i will be using it forever, so paying afew more won't matter. i promised her i won't lose my phone again. and this was her reply ' no, you keep loosing your phone. and this line is free. i don't want to waste any money.' ughhs* nvm. i'll buy myself a pre-paid card. i'm not very sure when i'll get the line, but i'm pretty sure it's somewhere this month. i wanna buy a new phone too. cause the free hp is nokia 6070, which obviously is lousy. so i'll use that for the pre-paid line. then i wanna ask my dad to go with me to buy the sony ericsson 850i. i'm head over heels for that phone !! hees. i'll pay for 40% of the phone. but i'm afraid to ask my dad. cause i'm feel bad askinhg him to buy me a phone. already the previous phone he got me was the best phone i've ever got. even though it was 2nd hand, so what? it's from him. plus i know it took him all his blood,sweat and effort to buy the phone. and if he does buy me a new hp, hopefully he will, i will def NOT lose it ever. i'll keep it close to me. i'll check my bag or whatever to make sure it's there every now and then. i really really want that sony ericsson 850i hp !!!!!! okay, IF i really do get that dream phone i want, i'll def be good man. studies obviously i'll TRY not to fail. it's embarassing for me to say this plus it's dumb, but it's a fact. i AM taking the same subjects plus i'm learning it twice. so i HAVE to past even if i don't study much. then again, looking back.. they changed the syllabus and added more stuff into the subjects. if not i won't be studying that much la. whatever. just pass well can already
(:

my brother went army last thursday. i'm sorta happy. cause then i don't have to see his face already. yay ! ((: hahas. thats one good news.
for the past few days i have been slacking. i want to study, but i can't concentrate. i keep getting distracted. i just can't get some stuff out of my head. my paranoia keeps coming. uggghhs* so frustrated. i don't want to retain again. but i can't even focus how to pass. :( sighs* i have to clear my mind. saying is easier said then done.
later i've got tuition. after tuition i'm gonna go somewhere first. anyways, gotta go bath already.

it starts with :(((( . and ends with :((
:( whatever.

i'm torn apart.
sighs* save me !

it takes time for a wound to heal, but a scar will remain forever. )):
there's a saying ' in life there are ups and downs'. tell me why in MY life, there are so many downs.
and the 'downs' in my life are coming from 1 source -irwan. sighs* he just still don't get it.
after so many talks, his getting from bad to worse. somehow i got a feeling that even if we last, it's not gonna be a good one. cause being happy comes from the heart, and not by force. yet i'm forcing myself to smile. he keeps pushing me down when i'm getting up bit by bit. and after awhile i just feel like giving up, and i'm already half way there. i just wish that he wouldn't treat me so badly. cause it hurts, yes it does. to the core. and i'm controlling my feelings. i'm TRYING to. if there's just one thing i could ever get, this is what it'll be : for irwan to stop hurting me. 'don't you think it's time you stop all your nonsense and start waking up.' i want him to make me happy.
that's all i ask for. for the person i love so dearly to stop hurting me and start treating me better.
))): you just don't get it do you ? .. do you know what it's like to cry myself to sleep ? do you know how painful it is to be pushed down by you time and time again? do you know how frustrating it is to have to keep telling you what to do or not to do?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'VE PUT ME THROUGH ? ): i'm hurt, deeply.

i want to be happy, i do ! i hate being in this state for SO long. it's almost a year, and i'm starting to give up. i seriously can't stand the fact that i'm always upset. i ca't bear the pain, I CAN'T ! )): i can't concentrate on my studies in this state. i want to study but i just can't keep my focus.

): thesoftwhimpersofagirl;iloveyoutoomuch )):

i want a line and a really really good phone. it has to be either sony erricson- the latest phone. or either nokia- the latest BUT nicest phone. it has to be either SLIDE, OR FLIP phone. cause i LOVE those type. and it musn't be too big or flat. i don't like phones that are too FLAT. yucks. and it has to have a good music player. it must be loud, and the camera must be big.

anyways, i wanna go to this sunday's gig. )): i really wanna go. cause most of my friends are going. and it would be my first and last time anyway. i wanna see how it's like. MAYBE i'll go. i don't even know whether they bought for me the tickets or the time lahs. i asked fahris and fadhli today. they say until i also don't understand. so i just nodded my head. LOLS. anyway, i most probably won't go since i don't even know the time.