went to school today without wanting to know whether he was gonna come or not. he didn't. not sure if his going to turn up tmr. whatever. enough about him. wholeday i've been trying to avoid the topic of HIM. anyways, i kept my whole day busy for the past few days. and realise that i CAN leave without him. i mean, of course it'll take me a couple of days to get used to it. give me around 2 days. went to the library with the nepalese. their're like dead funny lahs. love them alot. heard that daphne did quite well in catching furing the crescent match where i was absent. gonna FIGHT for my own postition. i love that position and i;m the type of person that will NOT let anyone take it away from me. i love my friends. they are the ones who keep me laughing and alive !
now school problems. i hate jane and valencia. why ? lets see. their're so fcuking close to irwan. and jane somore close to that rachel. hate them to the core lahs ! jane practically tells rach everything. it's like.. what the fcuk is wrong with you bitch ? it's not your damn business lahs. somor so stuck up to irwan. the testimonial she wrote to binquan. what.. thanks for keeping me accompany when IRWAN not around. it's like.. why the hell must you caption his damn fcuking name ? in the first place are you even related to him ? are you HIS girlfriend. if not, then get lost. always ask him buy this buy that. then pack his table. and that fcking irwan. pissed off with him too. found out that he lied to me and still he denied it. i don't think i'm gonna approach him. when i can't take it anymore then i will. and it'll be NASTY. trust me it will. fcuking sluts and dumbass fcuking stupid boyfriend. sucha disgrace !

he was online yesterday. i didn't know. he asked me to call him. so i did. sighs* we did talk. i didn't want him to know that i was crying. but somehow i just couldn't take it anymore. he keep saying that he'll change. but he doesn't. he knows what i did to myself, and yet he doesn't even say anything nor does he ask. it's like, do you even care about me ? and i hate some people. it's like, if you're not included into our relationship, then keep your damn nose out of it. it's irritating to have to put up a front. it's not me, and i hate it. it sucks. i now know that he isn't the one that cares or loves me. it's my friends that do, not him. his just my boyfriend. just like that. it's boring. plus it hurts and grieves to be with him. sucks like hell.

my life's all messed up. i got myself into it and now i have to get out of it. it has been going on for 1 year and 7 months. it's time it stopped. it's my fault for going into a relationship with him. and i know that clearly i shouldn't have. i thought that he was everything i ever wanted. i thought wrong. it hurts to be wrong sometimes. especially this. i want to be happy again like i used to. the way he treated me before we stead and after, it was like a taste of heaven. sweet and memoriable.
after 6 months, everything changed. it's not like it used to be like. and it sucks. i do balme myself partly for what i did to him for the forst 6 months. but it's too late now. too late to turn back. maybe it's natural of him to do the same thing i did to him. but his going overboard. his docking my calls, avoiding me. when we quarrel, he just watch me walk away. never did he come after me. it hurts to walk away from him and not to have him follow me. i feel like i love him more then he loves me. i AM trying to let go. but it's not as easy as it seems. letting go is the hardest thing i could NEVER accomplish. i just want him to know how much i love him. the miles i'd go just to be with him, even if it's for a short while. i just wish that everytime i'm hurt so bad, that i cry my eyes out, that he'll be there, but invinsible. so that he'll understand how hurt i am. the way he treats me. i believe that i've done everything i could to make our relationship work. and there's nothing more i can do about it. the both of us blame each other for whatever goes wrong in our relationship. but the truth is, we're boht at fault. and whether i like it or not, i have to endure all the bullshit and hurt i'm gonna receive from him. because i know, that even if i keep trying to change him and make our relationship work, and the other party doesn't do anything to help, it's just no use. a waste of time. why i don' t want to end the relationship ? BECAUSE I STILL LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO LET GO. too much to turn my back from him forever. i know what will happen to me if i continue this relationship, this life i'm living. but it's all a sacrifice. i am scared. so scared that at times i just cry in the middle of the day because i can't do anything. his not even doing anything to try to make our relationship work. i just don't understand why he has to do this to me. i hate to have to call him and hear his voicemail. it's so frustrating. and he always ALWAYS give excuses. i want to be happy, i really do. i give up trying to make our relationship work. it's too late to turn my now. i'll just accept whatever happens to me. i deserve it. i got myself into it, i face the music.
one day when i can't take it anymore, i'll end my life. that's just the way things are.

all i want for christmas is a lovely valentine !
:))
someone to hug, to kiss, and for him to hold me in his arms.
someone to tell me everytime i meet him that i look gorgeous and he'd hug me and kiss me on my forehead.
someone to be with me 24/7 even if i don't get to see him.
someone who'd not ditch me.
someone who'd keep his promise.

all i want is a lovely valentine that'd love me whole heartedly.

will any guy be my valentine ? ..

:))

these are the things i want for christmas .

PSP
a dimple
skirts
levi's jeans
tops
boots
wedges shoes
nike shoe
vans shoe
my hair to be curled again
ipod
electric guitar
A COTTON CANDY MACHINE
a dance class
to be a really good catcher
to win all the games coming up
to be in the all star team

:))

mummy's coming back home today at midnight. can't wait to see the things that she bought for me ! yays* hahas. my tummy hurts :( .ytd i baked some cookies. wanted to do shapes as i have the cookie shape thing. but the mixture wasn't a dough, which is why i had to put it in a heart shaped tray. my cookies always taste all the same even though i do different recipes. anyways, you could use it as weapons. it's so hard. pathertic, i know. and somore i want to be a chef. has* another day of boredom. sighs * mum went away for holiday and the first two days i only went out for like what ? 2 days. then never go out already. his going through some family probs. sighs. it affects me when his down. his actions hurt me. nvm. i keep telling myself that i'll give in and control my feelings. just put a happy face and hide the sad one beneath. i guess there's no point quarelling with him and all. i mean, his going through a crucial moment. it'll be pure mean of me to keep pushing him. sighs.whatever. LET GO !! urgghhhs* if i could, i'd run away from home to a place where i can scream so loud that nobody can hear me. a place filled with long grass, something like a meadow. and tame animals running about. better yet, put me in a place where there are all types of dogs. that'll def make me happy. to occupy me from thinking of him. sighs*
:( boos*

do you know what it's like to keep saying the same things over and over again repeatedly . but everything's still the same, nothing's changed. don't know what to do with you anymore. two paths i can choose. either stay with you and endure your bullshit, or to be with you still, but let go of you. i choose the second one. i hate you so much. you suck !

didn't go church today. ahhs* so tired ! woke up at 1.30pm. i wanted to sleep more but at 3pm i have tuition. somore it's at tiong bahru. kinda far. i was late by 1 min though. anyways, tuition ended at5pm. then i met the twins at tiong bahru plaza and shopped for their neccessities. cause their going to bali for scuba diving. so i'll be alone at home for 2 days till mum comes home. besides i just came home. practically out the whole day. so tiring.

today was my grandma's birthday. me and my siblings bought her hand lotion. ate at a thai restaurant. the food's delicious ! :) hahas. finally can get into friendster and hotmail ! weeehees ! so happy lahs. lols` dady repaired it with just one click ! mummy's in HK. she bought us lots of stuff ! so happy ! hahas. next week mummy and me will be going to KL over the weekends ! (: buy christmas presents. cheaper. might be going phuket right after christmas . anyway, watched dejavu with daddy and tash todae! DEADNICE !! hahas. damn nice. to think that it wouldn;t be nice. but actually it rocks !

sometimes i just wish i could turn back time so that i could undo the deadly embarassing and stupid things that i do. each time i think of it it makes me feel so dumb and low. and i'll like wonder ' why the hell did i do that for ? .. gosh i should have just shut up and not say anything to save me from any embarassment. ' anywaes, ytd went out wit louis n ewan. dikai went hme early. we plaed pool . ewan was late. he made us so pissed with him. he himself told us not to be late and he was late. we waited for him for s damn long. we was slping at hme. everytime he does that i feel like punching him in the face. hahas. he treated us to delifrance to make up for what he did.