Insecure.

This is gna be quite a wordy & super personal post. But, writing it down kinda makes me feel slightly better.. So here's a glimpse into my imperfect life.

It's been a couple of years, & i haven't been to church. I was from CHC & hv not been to the new building.
Do i want to go back just for one more time? Yes.
Does it kill me that everyone i knew from church are like strangers to me now? Yes.
Do i fear what my church friends think of me when they see pics of me & Ridzuan? Yes.

It makes me sad that 85% of my life, was once revolved around church & the wonderful friends i used to hv there, are gone. I chose a certain career tt wld burn my weekends. To anwser assumptions tt i stopped gng to church cause i am dating a Muslim.. Tt is so NOT true. I stopped the moment i started working in the kitchen as a cook. I cld not go to church on Sundays. At the beginning, i felt rly empty. Sundays when i had to work, a part of me felt like smthing was wrong. I wasn't used to it. But as time went by, i kinda got used to it. It became a routine.

Everytime i went out, i wld be so afraid i'd bump into one of my church friends or pastor. Why? Cause i nvr liked being confronted w so many qns i don't even want to answer to begin with. Or rumors that i am 'Dating a Malay again'. Yes, word does get around. I hated the fact tt certain ppl cldn't let me be & do what i wanted to do. It always felt like i was beng watched. & I hated it so much. Most importantly, i js didn't want them saying to my face 'So, u're dating a Malay/Muslim boy now..', or sarcastic comments like 'Why don't u bring your Malay boyfriend to church.' I find tt incredibly rude & insulting.  I cld hv snapped back in a sarcastic way too. But i didn't. Cause i told myself i'm bigger than tt.

Does it hurt that people say nasty things like tt to my face?
Or tt none of them were genuine enough to be my friend even when i stopped gng to church?

Yes, it hurt so bad. I was depressed. Honestly, i missed gng to church mainly because of the friends i once had. It was so much fun. The one cell group i miss the most, wld be the one where Steph was the cgl. & Of all people, Steph was the only one, who still guided me & did not force me to go to church. She met me over meals, took me out etc. I looked up to her as a sister. & When she found out i was dating Ridzuan, she said something rly heart warming tt had me all teary. Most of all, she was not judgmental. Instead, she was so supportive. & When i found out she was flying of to Berkley to study for 3 years, tt night when i got home, i cried. As the day got nearer to her departure, i cried even more. I was so sad. I felt like i was loosing a sister. One i cld totally relate to, who understood me w/o any qns asked. I love Steph so so much. I always feel so at ease around her. Like, i can be myself. She knew everything abt me & nvr once made any snide remarks. She is & always will be family to me, & the twins too i'm sure.

You wanna know why i hardly blog abt my r/s with Ridzuan, whom i address as 'R' on my blog when i do post abt him? Plainly because of the people who read my blog & the nasty things they wld say abt him. He had a nasty past & he does feel apologetic abt it. But why shld he be blamed for it all his life? Has he changed for the better? Definitely! Or the fact tt i get rude comments for dating a Muslim. Why, whats wrong about tt? If you are Christians & u are one of those making those nasty remarks, then u are no better. Isn't it written in the bible tt God loves everyone no matter where they come from or what religion they are? I am well aware of the fact tt it is also written in the bible in Corinthians 6:14,  "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" . 

But guess what? He IS a believer. In fact, they all are! They believe in God too. They believe in the bible. The people i once knew then, weren't true enough to see pass the surface of my life. No one was supportive but Steph. 

I just wanted to be able to live my life in the open. To not have church friends & family judge me. But i can't do tt cause i'm too busy worrying what others may think of me. I told myself tt at some point, i'm not gna care anymore. Simply because, It's my life, not theirs.